Alright, my dears. You know I try to not get too serious on this blog (mostly out of fear and laziness), but this time I can’t contain myself.
Most of you probably know that I live in a largely conservative society, and I am absolutely not conservative. Generally, this works out really well. I attribute the success to a general atmosphere of respect, my tendency to not give a damn what most people think of my personal decisions, my ability to ignore what I might interpret as unimportant flaws in other people, and my propensity for seclusion.
But today I saw the ugly side of being an outlier, and was hit with the recollection that I’m still swimming upstream.
Tonight while alone at the grocery store, a man approached me and asked why I look the way I do. I was taken aback by the question, and simply responded “Excuse me?” Then he said he was curious why I was wearing immodest clothing and had tattoos, when (verbatim) he nor any man he knew was attracted to such a brazen display. And that it would be easier for me to find a good man if I dressed modestly.
(Context: I was wearing a sleeveless dress that came to mid-thigh, and sandals. Showing about this much skin. This is the standard modesty rule for Mormon women – which most women around here adhere to.)
Frankly, I am infuriated by this stranger’s comments. It seemed like he was a recent ex-missionary, and I know he didn’t intend harm; he was just continuing his missionary work. But his approach, the ideology behind it, and the assumptions he made about me have filled me with indignation. It also angers and embarrasses me that I was too taken aback to respond with any wit.
All I could say before walking away and leaving the store without purchasing anything was that I didn’t dress myself for people like him; that I don’t base my clothing decisions on what people think or on my desire to find a mate. No additional explanation. No assertion of pride. For that I’m really ashamed of myself.
But luckily, the internet will let me air my grievances here. Let’s address the three I mentioned above:
- His approach: I’m assuming that this stranger’s intention was to hit me with an unexpected “truth”-bomb; to perhaps make me realize I was on what he thought of as the wrong path. Instead of doing this with love, he made it a personal attack. A condescending belittlement. A scoff, a dismissal, an expression of pity. Hint: That will never work.
- The ideology behind it: It is absolutely hideous to me that this man thought I was dressing for him. That my physical appearance had a single thing to do with his desires, and the desires of those like him. I dress to express myself. I dress to be honest about who I am. I dress as a physical reminder that I am an awesome person deserving of my own love. I dress to practice courage. I dress for comfort. And sure, frankly I dress to not alienate people or to help gain friends sometimes, but the foundation of that desire is to give myself the confidence to attain those goals. It is so incredibly ego-centric and narrow-minded to assume that a woman’s all-encompassing goal is to impress men. Other annoying bits that I won’t get into: I am more than my skin. There is more than one way to respect and love your body. And judgement based solely on appearance is discrimination.
- The assumptions he made about me: First of all, this man assumed that I couldn’t get a good man looking like I do. But I already have an excellent man, thank you very much. A man who was smart enough to know that I am more than a sexual object, who noticed and appreciates me for more than just how I look. It seems that he assumed my life wasn’t going in a good direction. And certainly, I have troubles and am prone to bouts of depression – but in general, my life is goddamn excellent. I have a wonderful relationship with my family, I’m doing a great job raising my daughter, I’m healthy and intelligent and strong. And I can attribute most of these bright points to my ability to be honest about myself and go against the grain. Also, this man assumed that I might be interested in his brand of enlightenment. But, sir, I have already walked that road. I tried my damnedest to be a good Mormon, to exert complete faith, and it did not work for me in any way. I respect those who are able to live as meditative, sagacious Mormons, but I am not one of them.
I have been blamed in this way before, and in a way much more disturbing. I don’t have the courage/desire to share that experience, but I guess I should mention that my current rage is about more than this particular instance. From what I’ve seen, there is a definite trend around here to dehumanize women; to make them an object of the man, a thing to be protected, a thing to not be trusted, a tool for sin, an empty vessel, a 2-d mind.
And frankly? I pity this guy for the awesome interaction he is shunning by being so pseudo-virtuous, condescending, and judgmental. Because he refused to see them, he will never know about my incredible qualities, or the incredible qualities of other girls who bare their shoulders.
I can see that one might argue that perhaps my appearance was offensive to his sensibilities. I have in the past tried to be respectful of this phenomenon, but have recently gotten entirely sick of it. I feel that by respecting the will of the majority, by lying about who I am and hiding my fabulous self, I do a disservice to others like me. I am proud of who I am, I want to make my true self available to those who can relate, and this man took that desire, something I see as beautiful and near-sacred, and turned it into a sexual disparagement. In assuming that my appearance was for him, he temporarily stole it from me.
It is frustrating when society expects women to be responsible for not being disrespected/assaulted/harassed – instead of expecting men and other women to not do those things. It’s like saying we should constantly wear bulletproof vests, instead of saying that people should just not shoot each other. I should be able to express myself without fear of being disrespected, assaulted or harassed; and in Utah County I am often robbed of that right.
jesus christ. I am so sorry for this. luckily, you are capable of complex thoughts and understanding other people, and you will not allow this to change you. Unlike the asshat who decided he was completely allowed to disrespect you, who remains incapable of possessing any sort of basic tolerance or simple respect for humanity.
At first I wrote a big ol comment about how embarrassed I am of this guy, how angry I get that most “Christians” don’t follow Christ’s message of love, and how people like that give the rest of us a bad name. But you already know all that, so I’ll just say this:
First of all, when I started reading this, I was picturing an old guy talking to you, and was completely shocked when you said he looked like he was fresh off his mish. Seriously, guy??
Secondably, I’m sorry you couldn’t think of anything witty to say. There’s nothing worse than being confronted and not thinking of a good response til later.
Thirdly, may I just say that I greatly appreciate your respect for the conservatives in our area, even if it isn’t shown to you. I don’t have any problem at all with people who live a different lifestyle than I do. I just expect them to not throw it in my face, and in return I’ll keep my lifestyle out of theirs. I have long been glad that you get this and we can remain friends while disagreeing on most subjects.
(also, “asshat” just became my new favorite word.)
Ugh. Sometimes I really, really hate living here. I’m sorry this jerk thought it was his place to say anything to you. I’m sorry that this is not the first time you’ve felt discriminated against and I’m sorry that it probably won’t be the last. As your sister, I’d like to punch him in the face- and I’m not sorry for that. Keep being your fabulous self and we’ll keep loving you-always.
My tried and true response to that kind of attention is “Go fuck your mother.” I have practiced in the mirror and in skit situations so I don’t even skip a beat, and it has served me well. Am I making the problem worse? No, I have no problem. If we are offering candid advice, my true belief about his situation, because he got to have one about yours, is that he should fuck his mother. The true test is to be able to say it to him in a silly voice with a little dance, maybe give yourself horns and waggle your tongue. He is so absurd! Perhaps he got a boner looking at you (gross, but probably true) which he may believe is a sin, so he decided to tell you about how you make sins happen. He is no opponent, he is a slurry of truthy impulse that dribbles out of his mouth at intervals. I feel really good about that last sentence.
Let’s end sexual harassment with confused silence!
Whenever things like this happen, I question the sanity of the world around me. The fact that this “missionary” thought it was appropriate to reproach a total stranger simply based on her appearance seems like the kind of thing that could only happen in fiction because it’s so incredibly ridiculous. I’m inclined to agree with Caitlin, because that response is equally approriate to what he said, but the problem with that is that it won’t benefit this misguided little dumbass in any way. He’ll come away from the encounter with the righteous assurance that he was right about you being an evil sinner, and the self-righteous “hope” that his words would someday have effect on you, because he is too blind to realize what was at the root of his unsolicited advice: ego. How conservative people do not see the egotism in thinking that they are SO right that they have the responsibility to go and share their opinions with everyone as if it were fact I will never understand. How they can abandon all respect for anyone but themselves and those who share their view, while expecting other people to take them seriously is disgusting, and I feel that anyone that is as pushy as this guy about something so surface is ultimately insecure in his own view, and has this compulsive need to go and prove himself right by degrading other peoples’ beliefs.